Commentary
A Modest Proposal for a Fitter, Freer America
Channeling my inner Jonathan Swift. This is a parody.
Prologue
A Modest Proposal for National Cardio
The following is satire. If you find yourself nodding in earnest, you may have wandered into the wrong article.
America has two problems that practically solve each other.
On one side, we worry about who should be doing physically demanding work. On the other, we worry that too many Americans spend their days sitting in climate-controlled offices, staring at glowing rectangles, and congratulating themselves for reaching 4,000 steps.
Surely this is not a coincidence. Surely it is an opportunity.
Why hire people to shovel snow, rake leaves, harvest crops, repair roads, landscape parks, or haul debris when those jobs could become a nationwide wellness initiative?
This is no longer a labor question. It is a public-health intervention.
Fortunately, a solution worthy of the finest bureaucratic imagination has emerged: reclaim the physical labor once performed by immigrants, and sometimes by people merely assumed to be immigrants, and redistribute it directly to Real Americans™ in the name of fitness, civic pride, and Fitbit accountability.
The National Steps Initiative
A bold, patriotic program proposing that all physically punishing, tedious, and often invisible labor should now be performed by citizens eager to improve their cardiovascular health.
Snow Removal: America’s New Morning Cardio
Plowing is passé; shoveling is sovereign. Neighborhood brigades rise before dawn to clear sidewalks, competing for longest driveway and deepest drift.
Leaf-Raking as Mindfulness
Each leaf is a thought. Rake, bag, release. Continue until inner peace or first frostbite.
Pothole Repair: The New CrossFit
Forget kettlebells—nothing beats the explosive power of tamping asphalt on a windy Tuesday.
Warehouse Work as High-Intensity Interval Training
Why pay for boutique gyms when lifting 40-pound boxes for free builds character and biceps?
Elder Care as Family Bonding
A rotating cast of relatives now steps in for trained caregivers, guaranteeing character development and increased liability.
Restaurant Prep as Community Ritual
When kitchens lose staff, citizens arrive to julienne onions until their souls and tear ducts align.
Roofing and Construction as Extreme Adventure Tourism
Move over zipline parks. Winter roofing will restore America’s grit.
Childcare Collapse as Parental Empathy Training
No work-life balance—just work-life-childcare fusion.
Public-Health Benefits
- Average steps per day: 22,000
- Vitamin D exposure: at least 14 minutes before frostbite
- Less screen time: gloves complicate doomscrolling
- Weight loss: measured in reduction of service-sector capacity
Economic Benefits
No immigration reform needed. No structural labor insights required.
Instead, America adopts DoorDash for Civic Neglect—a smartphone app that alerts citizens whenever a task needs completing: a trash bin to haul, a sidewalk to clear, a nursing home short an overnight aide.
Closing Flourish
By embracing this modest proposal, America grows stronger, fitter, and fully independent from the historical scourge of affordable labor. We will shovel our way to sovereignty. We will sweat our way to security. And we will prove that no task is too small, too exhausting, or too punishing for Real Americans—once the people who used to do it have been frightened out of sight.